I Miss You So, My love
by Sherlockin'Yeah
Summary: Short oneshot PadfootMoony Remus is suicidal after Sirius's death. See how he deals with it. In this story the term 'only in your dreams' is given a new meaning. Please consider reading...


"Stop! Stop that!", said an unidentified voice softly, almost on the verge of tears.

"Stop what?" asked the stone cold voice of Remus Lupin. Remus slowly opened his eyes, afraid that the faint glow that allowed him to see perfectly through the foggy blackness of night would be seen. He watched the owner of the strange, yet melodical voice approach. The slightly tussled yet beautiful black hair of this stranger could only belong to Sirius, Sirius Black.

" You know what I mean." Sirius replied, regaining control of his emotions steadily. Remus knew what he meant but acted indifferent and slightly turned his head. Sirius took his hand and kissed the wrist plastered with tiny scars and fresh cuts. Remus collapsed into his arms, once again crying and there Remus slept, wrapped tightly in the arms of his new friend. This was the first time they met.

The black and white of painful memories faded into a dull grey as real life set in. Remus was no longer the troubled youth he had once been. He was a troubled adult who now lay on his bed sobbing softly so as not to wake any in the house. This time there would be no comforting arms to wrap him in harmony, no sweet voice to kill his fears. The scars on his arms had long ago faded away to be replaced with newer, fresher ones. After each new tragedy there was always, always someone there to turn to. Sirius, one of the last surviving marauders, was now dead and gone. It hurt to think of let alone say that dreaded name, that loved name. It might not have been so bad, had Lilly, James, and Dumbledore been breathing but they weren't and he was ten times the worse for it. Now, the best friend he had ever had was… dead, adding to Voldemort's death toll. The word hurt to say. If he had said it or thought it really, then he would be thrown into another fit of dread, reliving the images in his mind. Like a picture book he saw Bellatrix curse him and shot by shot push Sirius through the vale, never to be seen again. A tear slid down his cheek, then another followed by more. No. He refused to cry. Not anymore. His throat hurt and his head was throbbing painfully. Remus did the usual inhale/exhale procedure to calm himself and attempted sleep. If the layers of black and blue under his eyes got any darker or any thicker then it would bear a stark resemblance to a black eye. Sleep could hardly be considered restful anymore, filled with nightmares of death and the deep depths of sorrow that awaited, his sleep was fitful.

Tonight though would be different, little did he realize, his mind riddled with dark thoughts. It started out with Remus peacefully gazing at the full moon. He hadn't transformed yet and he didn't even have to take the potion .Tonight, for some reason he looked at the moon without feeling the hunger, without the change slowly beginning inside of him. Yes, this was a special night but for what reason, he could not comprehend. He could hear the foot steps of someone trying not to be heard but doing a bad job of it.

"It's pointless, you know, trying to sneak up on me. That specialty is reserved for cat's only," he said then turned his head," Sirius," he added. Sirius gave a sheepish smile and shrugged.

"Well, hello to you too Remi." stated Sirius happily. Remus let out a small laugh at Padfoot's comment. Remus was surprised when Sirius caught him in a loving embrace and kissed him but he quickly got over it. After a while the kiss was over and Remus breathed a sigh of contentment while Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's unkept hair. For some reason it felt as if Remus hadn't seen his love for a long, long time and this was his last chance. Sirius sat down with his legs out and leaned on his hands and smiled up at Remus, an altogether sexy, laid back kind of pose. Remus took advantage of this and crawled up to him and partially laid on him. Sirius let himself fall as Remus practically fell on him. There was a resounding plop and they lay together upon the grass, both relishing the moment.

Remus knew with all his heart that this was going to be the last time he ever saw Sirius. Only a moment this perfect could signal the end of something so great. A single, salty tear slid down his cheek. Sirius knew what his partner was thinking and wiped the tear away, licking his finger. He ran his hand along Remus's cheek and planted a light kiss on his lips. He took Remus in his arms, whispering sweet lullabies in his ear as he slowly fell asleep, his sobs dieing away. On the very fringes of sleep, Remus asked "Why do you have to leave me Sirius, why?"

"Because we all have to die someday, love." He answered but Remi was already asleep. Together they slept, Remus safely by his beloved's side, like the remnant of an old memory. Sirius glanced at the bright silver moon looming above and knew it was time to go but he decided he would linger a bit longer. He kissed Moony's cheek and gently laid him down on the soft grass. He looked smiled at his lover for the last time ever and left. It was time to go.

Remus woke up with a start at the call of his name. It took him a moment to recognize the voice as Mrs. Weaselys. He must have woken up late which was very strange considering his sleeping habits for the last few months. Surprisingly he had slept soundly last night, having had a good dream. His memory of the dream was already slipping but a picture of a smiling Sirius looking down at him still remained. Suddenly it hit him. Sirius was gone and he was never going to return. Remus would be forever alone. He felt a pang of sorrow in his stomach but the once agonizing pain of a broken heart was gone. He knew for certain that life would go on and though our loved ones died around us it was for a good cause. As long as I'm still alive to carry that cause on and move forward everything is alright, he thought.

He made his way to the bathroom mirror to straighten up. Remus dreaded to see his haggard appearance but when he looked it wasn't as horrible as he had imagined. The dark purple bags beneath his eyes had lessened and there was more color in his face then there had been in weeks. It wasn't perfect but an improvement. He looked at his wrists to see last nights scars faded into almost nothing, a strange phenomenon but he thought nothing of it because inside he knew. Sirius had done it. Sirius had relieved the stress, the anxiety, the sorrow. He washed his face and shaved the untended hair off his chin and cheeks. After brushing his hair and almost fang-like teeth he put on a pair of clean clothes, an outfit that Sirius had especially loved. It smelled of his cologne and reminded one of the good times. He walked down stairs into the kitchen with a smile on his face. Life, be it good or bad was always throw things in your way so make the best of it.

Harry's POV

Harry sat with Ron and Hermione at the big kitchen table at Grimwauld Place. He was still sore on the subject of Sirius. Everyone was. So Hermione and Ron avoided the use of his name. Everyone was already seated besides Remus; there was a big gap where he was supposed to be. His absence was noticed but no-one remarked on it, knowing how hard a toll Sirius's death had taken on him. No-one until Mrs. Weasely, finished making breakfast, called him down, a worried expression on her face. They all waited tensely, each assuming some mishap or another. Ever since… that day… (it was hard for Harry to even think about it without blaming himself one way or another and breaking into a fit of tears) Remus had not slept much, eaten much, or talked much. He was becoming frail with dark purple bags under his eyes and an almost stooped stance. So Harry was shocked and astonished when Remus finally appeared at the breakfast table. A number of emotions were displayed on everyone's faces as they saw him, Tonks especially (considering her feelings towards him). Concern was quickly replaced with joy, with hope, with love. He stood upright, his cleanly shaved face smiling brightly. He wore a light blue dress shirt, halfway buttoned and a pair of black slacks. He rolled up his sleeves and sat down at that empty seat at the table.

"You made a lovely breakfast Molly. Are we ready to eat?" he asked, looking around the table at all the smiling faces. At that point, Harry knew, if he can recover then so can I. Some how everyone else was thinking something along the same lines. Life could be good again. Harry was certain of it as he sat down to eat. Life would be good again.


End file.
